The Church Can’t Raise Your Kids
I believe (and there’s some research out there to back this up) that every parent knows that when it comes to shaping the morals, values and ethics of our kids, it should be the parents driving that bus. I also believe that most parents feel overwhelmed and undermined as to how to go about doing it. In the absence of a plan, they most often turn to the only experts they know and trust: the church.
Most of the people who read this blog will attend church somewhere this weekend. You are thoughtful Christian people for the most part; many of you are thoughtful Christian parents. You take your kids to church, to a youth group or to Sunday School, and you expect them to learn something there that will help shape their faith and character.
That’s fine insofar as it goes. But I want you to hear this: the church can’t raise your kids.
It’s not supposed to, and it has done a terribly ineffective job when it has tried.
I love the fact that churches are getting more and more intentional about providing good, quality programming for children. It ought to be innovative and inspiring. It ought to rival the best Disney and Nickelodeon and PBS have to offer in terms marrying creativity and educational content. Churches ought to increase the percentage of their budget that goes to children’s programming, even if it means cutting some long-standing programs that benefit adults.
But I’ll say it again: the church can’t raise your kids.
I say it because something really tragic has happened over the course of the last several decades. While we were busy developing innovative programming for children, we somehow convinced parents that it would probably be in their best interests to leave the faith development of their kids to experts like us.
Somehow, though I don’t think we did this intentionally, the faith development of children has largely become church-centered and home-supported.
Church is where kids go to learn about God and faith and morals and all that stuff. Families support those churches financially and by making sure the kids are there as often as possible. As long as parents have their children at church frequently enough, they feel like they’re doing their part to shape the faith and character of those children.
There are lots of reasons why this has happened; none of them are good enough. It hasn’t worked. It won’t work. I can’t work.
God has not set it up to work. God established the family to be the primary unit of faith development. Families may come together to form a church, and that church can support what’s going on in those families. But the faith development of kids is supposed to be home-based and church-supported.
I have looked all through the Bible and have not found one verse that tells churches how to raise kids. God put those kids into a family — under your leadership — and he calls you to do the heavy lifting. Raise your own kids. Stop relying so much on the church to do something God hasn’t called or equipped it to do.
Beginning next week, we’re going to talk more about how to develop a plan. I’m not going to give you a plan. I’ll give you suggestions, but this is something I would never presume to tell you how to do. You know your kids. Anyone who ever tells you that all children should be treated the same way is wrong. Anyone who offers you the false hope of “one-size-fits-all” parenting should be dismissed. Kids aren’t animals, and kids aren’t computers. They have minds of their own and the ability to make their own decisions and choices. You must tailor your parenting to suit the personalities of both you and your child. Failure to do this is failure to honor your child and failure to honor the God who creates us uniquely.
For now, here’s the thing I want you to remember: the church can’t raise your kids.
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These ideas reflect the tone of my new book, Hearts and Minds: Raising Your Child with a Christian View of the World. The book, co-authored with Dr. Kenneth Boa, is published by Tyndale Publishing and has a foreword by Chuck Colson. If you are interested in reading an excerpt, request an electronic copy in the comment section of this blog. You may invite John to come to your church to conduct a parenting seminar. You will also soon be able to purchase an autographed copy of the book from our online store.
September 22nd, 2006 at 11:16 am
On the same note, what do you think about the challenge of children’s ministry in alternative worship services adn/or communities of faith. I know that it is something that Darren is dealing with at the livingroom http://www.livingroom.org.au/blog/archives/livingroom_multiplying_again.php. I was wondering if you have dealt with this subject. It is an interesting issue for me.
Thanks!!
September 22nd, 2006 at 1:44 pm
John, how do you handle some of these challenges when the child you have has special needs? You are probably aware that we have a son with autism and right now, his communication skills are very limited.
September 22nd, 2006 at 2:45 pm
Kids are good at mimicking, be it praying before we eat, saying prayers in the morning and at bedtime. Reading Bible stories at night before they go to bed. Having a family who speaks of Jesus insures the faith will be written on their heart. We build our own faith while we teach our children.
September 23rd, 2006 at 10:07 pm
Excellent thoughts.
I totally agree.
You look at Duet 6 and see what God intended.
I am a former youth minister and found in youth ministry the parents leaving it up to me to raise their kids. Teach them about sex. Teach them about right and wrong, ethics, morals, and God. I even had parents who come into my office asking “Should I make my Child go to church?” “What if they don’t like me?” I stressed to them that you make your child go to school? How much more important is their spiritual life…Parents think that their role is friend and instead of mom or dad. We must remember the roles. We must remember where education about God and spiritual development begins and that is in the home. I believe as ministers, youth ministers, family ministers, we should be stressing that to the families in our congregations.
I can’t wait to buy your book on Parenting.
When is it coming out and will Abilene Educational Supply have it? I have an account with ACU.
Again, excellent thoughts.
September 23rd, 2006 at 10:16 pm
[...] (John Allen Turner – Faith 2.0 has written an article similar in nature, “I have looked all through the Bible and have not found one verse that tells churches how to raise kids. God put those kids into a family — under your leadership — and he calls you to do the heavy lifting. Raise your own kids. Stop relying so much on the church to do something God hasn’t called or equipped it to do.”) [...]
September 25th, 2006 at 11:08 am
Agreed.
The church does have a unique opportunity to support the psychies of children who are ‘fringe’ members. For whatever reason they are part of the group we must pray for them, help them ‘hear, believe, obey, etc…’ in the capacity they have despite whatever home life difficulties they may be facing.
We have no idea how God may be using our words, actions, etc. to influence, strengthen, provide a life line to a child who is striving to find Him.
As we take the reigns of teaching our children at home, guiding their lives at every opportunity – even when their ‘non-christian’ friends are about, we minister in ways beyond our ability to understand. We teach our children, we pray for them and not only our influence on them, but also their influence on those about them and that we all cling desperately to our God.
Our children then become an incredible part of the teaching process of the church. What we’ve taught them at home is not just supported at church, but they support the teaching of those who have come to church seeking…
It is humbling to realize the might of our Lord, and the miniscule ways we influence others…
September 26th, 2006 at 8:31 pm
Kevin,
I’m not sure what exactly Darren. I went to his blog and read some of it, but without knowing details I’m not sure how to advise. Here’s my overview of church and kids, though:
Mostly, we move to one of two extremes. We know it’s better to have kids and parents experience some kind of inter-generational environment. But we tend to apply that knowledge to our pre-existing template. In other words, we either put adults in a kids’ world or put kids in an adult world.
Most modern churches opt for the former. Most emergent churches opt for the latter.
My suggestion would be to work at creating something that’s uniquely designed for both kids and adults. It will be difficult and will require tons of creativity. But it’ll be worth it.
September 26th, 2006 at 8:35 pm
Tina,
You are one of my heroes. The way you work with your son, Matthew is a blessing to watch. I know it is unspeakable difficult at times, but you know better than anyone the joy that comes in the wake of all the hard stuff.
Your son is exceptional, and churches ought to plan special plans for kids with special needs. However, churches should allow for exceptions to the norm without allowing exceptions to become the norm.
Take things at Matthew’s pace. Get help when you need it — especially from people who are experts in this field. But don’t rely on anyone else to provide for him the love and care and instruction that only a parent can provide.
God bless you, Tina.
September 26th, 2006 at 8:38 pm
Preacherman,
Thanks for your supportive words. I don’t think anyone at Abilene Christian University has ever heard of me, so I doubt they’ll carry the book. But I might be wrong about that. You could ask them to order it from either Faith 2.0 or directly from Tyndale Publishing.