I should not have to write this. I don’t like that I have to think about this or feel this or cry as much as I have in the last 24 hours. It’s upside-down. It’s inside-out. It doesn’t make sense. It messes with my emotions. It messes with my theology. It makes me want to curse and spit and shout and throw something or hit something. It’s not right.
But it’s truth, and we can only live in the darkness of denial for so long before — cold and blind — we come groping back towards and warmth and light of God.
I have a friend named John Dobbs. I’ve known him since seminary. And I associate him with mixed feelings.
He’s big and loud, and he laughs a lot. He’s like Falstaff — only sober. But — like Shakespeare’s character — he’s got a melancholy lurking just beneath the surface. I’ve had conversations with John punctuated by humor and pathos. We’ll be laughing so hard we can barely breath, and then tears spring out of our eyes without warning.
I remember sitting in Dr. Petrillo’s Advanced Biblical Hermeneutics class with John on a Tuesday morning in September. I was doing my best to remain civil during a discussion of the tired, old tripartite formula (which is neither advanced, nor biblical, nor even really a hermeneutic) when someone knocked on our door and said there had been some sort of plane crash in New York. We found a television somewhere and watched in horror as the second plane crashed into the World Trade Center.
We’d been laughing and gritting our teeth and thinking through really complicated issues a few minutes ago — John and I had shared more than a few rolled eye moments that morning. And now here we were watching people jump from burning buildings, panic in the streets, thousands of lives lost. Laughter and tears.
John had spoken in chapel the day before. I spoke the day after.
I remember seeing John the following spring at a big hoot-nanny in Tulsa (The Tulsa International Soul-Winning Workshop — which sounds far more grandiose than it actually is — it is a great family reunion type event for many of us who grew up in the Churches of Christ, though). John had no idea what I was wrestling with — both with my personal calling to stay in the denomination and with several other personal things as well. But it didn’t matter. John was just John. He was kind and caring and compassionate and funny and a little cynical about some things (again with the eye-rolling). We laughed, and we laughed.
I left his presence less tired than I was before.
It wasn’t long after that I moved here to Atlanta. And then I got talked into blogging. And John got his website up and running. I think he started his at the end of July 2004. I started mine about three weeks later. John was one of my first commenters.
I got the chance to come visit John in Pascagoula. Back in June of 2005 he invited me to come and speak at a large gathering for high school students on the gulf coast. This time he was the tired one, and I did my best to do for him what he had done for me at Tulsa. I remember going to a Chinese restaurant where there was some shouting back and forth between what I can only assume are the only two Chinese people in Pascagoula. It ended with at least one customer storming out in a huff.
John looked at me and said, “That’s bloggable.”
More laughter. I remember a late dinner with him at Sonic. Quiet conversation. Probing questions. Now he was the one wrestling with calling.
Two months later John’s home was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. I was scheduled to come back and speak at a camp down there — some men’s retreat that my father and I were going to tag-team. But everything was interrupted now. John Dobbs — a man of laughter and tears — became a one-man wrecking crew, a one-man band, a force of nature. More relief efforts poured through him to more hurting people than anyone else I know of. He was always on the go. Going to the hospital. Going to oversee food distribution. Going to churches to raise money. Going to pick folks up. Going to take folks to the doctor. Going. Going. Going.
And sometimes he’d call me. He’d sneak away to the water’s edge and call from a picnic table. He sounded so tired. He sounded so confused. He sounded hurt. But he’d always find something to laugh about. He’d find something to be positive about in the midst of so much tragedy. It was as if there was some hidden inner reservoir of hope that he’d tap into.
Two summers ago I was teaching a series of classes on Wednesday night for a church in Nashville. I was driving over Monteagle and saw John’s church van/bus. So, I called him on his cell phone. Then I got right in front of him on the highway. It took him the longest time to figure out how I knew where he was and what he was doing. We laughed and laughed. Later that night I brought him a hot donut from Krispy Kreme, and we stood outside sweating in the heat and humidity of a Nashville summer night. He was worried about someone close to him. He was afraid of the choices being made. He asked me to pray. I told him I would.
I remember John calling me to tell me about his upcoming interview with a church in Monroe, LA. He was nervous. We talked about the worst things you can say in an interview, and we laughed at all our crazy ideas. What if you just get up to preach and start cursing a lot? Then tell them you’re just trying to relate to non-Christians! Or what if you get a copy of the previous Sunday’s sermon and preach it exactly — word-for-word? Would anyone notice? Well, they would if the previous guy tried the “cursing to relate to non-Christians” approach.
He told me how much he would miss the folks in Pascagoula, and I knew he meant it. They’d been family — even before Katrina. But when the folks from Monroe called him, I knew he would go. And he did. But it’s been complicated — trying to sell his rebuilt house in a Mississippi that’s still not fully recovered from the devastation of nearly three years ago. And his son, John Robert, was a Senior in high school.
So, John and Margaret have been living in two places at once — splitting time between Louisiana and Mississippi.
And now this happens.
John Robert, scheduled to graduate Friday night, is dead – struck by an 18-wheeler on a dark and lonely piece of highway in the middle of the night.
It’s too awful to contemplate, to close to every parent’s deepest and darkest fears. It’s like a punch in the gut. It makes me want to retch. It makes me want to ask questions for which there are no answers – at least no answers that will suffice. Questions like, “Why?†and “How much longer, O Lord?â€
It makes me want to shake my fist at the sky and demand an account, and it makes me want to fall on my knees and give thanks for the fact that our God promises us that no goodbye is final and no loss will go uncompensated. It makes me feel so sorry for John and Margaret. And – truth be told – it makes me feel a little guilty for having three beautiful and healthy children and for having suffered so little in my own lifetime.
It makes me want to run and scream, and it makes me want to sit still and shut up.
I have a friend named John Dobbs. I’ve known him since seminary. And I associate him with mixed feelings.
He’s taught me so much about how humans deal with tragedy, about how we can show compassion and mercy, about how to weep with those who weep. He’s shown me that life’s too short not to laugh every once in a while and that there is no shame in a grown man shedding big, fat tears in public.
More than anything else, John has shown me that no matter how dark the sky, no matter how cold the night, no matter how far from home, how lonely and empty we feel, there is always room for optimism, there is always a ray of light, a tiny crack into which the word of God may drop and out of which a whole new world of possibilities may spring.
John Dobbs has taught me that even out here…hope remains.