I was having a lovely quiet morning the other day — thinking about life and how things are going — thinking about the holidays and what I’ve got to be thankful for — thinking about next year and what I’m hoping for — thinking about old friends and new friends.

And this list jumped out of my pen into my journal. I think I may have stolen it from Stephen Mansfield who probably stole it from some Puritan theologian from the 17th Century who probably stole it from some Catholic monk from the 11th Century.

Regardless, it’s quickly become a very precious list of priorities for me. Within a few hours of jotting the list down, I found myself bringing these things up in conversation after conversation. Perhaps you’ll find them helpful as well:

1. Rid your mind of worry.
2. Rid your heart of hate.
3. Simplify.
4. Expect less.
5. Give more.

That’s what I’m working on these days. Anything you’d like to add?

So, the holiday season is officially upon us. They started showing The Grinch on television last week (perhaps next year they’ll start showing it on the 4th of July). Christmas decorations are gradually appearing everywhere. Shopping lists are being drawn up — perhaps a little more carefully this year than in years past. Family will start arriving this week.

It’s the holiday season, everyone!

What are you looking forward to the most about the holidays this year?

My name is John Alan Turner, and I am a bad pastor.

But you knew that already, didn’t you?

I’m also a baseball fan, and I remember watching the whole Pete Rose debacle unfold. I was among the last to believe he could have been involved in betting on baseball games. I know better now — though I remain convinced that he never would have bet against his own team. I agree with the lifetime ban, but I also think he should be in the Hall of Fame.

But none of that is my point.

My point is this: I had a sudden realization in that season. It struck me that we expected Pete Rose to be good at life — not just baseball. We expected him to be good with his finances and with relationships. We expected him to be a good boss and a good guy — all because he was good at baseball.

I think this is true in a lot of areas. Many were shocked to find out about Bill Clinton’s extra-marital dalliances because we thought he’d be a good husband and father. Why did we expect that of him? Because he was a good politician?

JFK, MLK, Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, John Wesley. The list could go on and on. Men who were great at something but not necessarily that good at life.

And here’s why I bring this up: Pastors are often very good at things like administration or teaching or leadership. But does that give folks the right to expect them to be good at life?

I mean, on the one hand, sure. You want to know that the guy up there teaching you about God and the Bible is smoking the same stuff he’s selling. I get that. You want to know that he knows from some kind of personal experience that this is true and that it works. I get that.

But how far ahead of the rest of us does he have to be?

As I look through the Bible I see a lot of guys who just wouldn’t make it in today’s church world. Abraham has an extra-marital affair — with his wife’s permission — has a kid in the process and refuses to take care of him and the mother. Isaac — Abraham’s other, more legitimate son — grows up and plays favorites with his sons. Jacob — Isaac’s unfavored son — grows up and does the same.

King David was a man after God’s own heart, but he was terrible at relationships. He had four wives and 11 mistresses. His relationships with his own children were so bad that one of his sons tried to kill him. This sounds more like a Mafia movie we wouldn’t want our children watching than Bible characters we actually encourage our children to imitate!

Elijah struggled with depression. Isaiah had a foul mouth. Samson was a huge egomaniac. Solomon couldn’t say no to the ladies. Moses and his wife split up soon after the Exodus from Egypt. Peter seems to have left his wife. We don’t know what was up with Paul’s marital situation except that he was single at the end. Oh, and he got into a knock-down-drag-out fight with Barnabas, the man who gave him legitimacy among Christians in the first place!

These are not the kind of people search committees look for when they’re hiring a new Senior Pastor. They were not that good at life. Bad husbands. Bad fathers. Bad friends. Bad pastors.

Granted, this is not the whole truth about any of these men. But it is an undeniable part of the truth about them.

So, you tell me: in your opinion, how good does a pastor have to be?

My name is John Alan Turner, and I am a bad pastor. And people apparently don’t know what to do with that sentence.

Is he being humble?

Trust me: humble will never be one of the first 10 words associated with me by anyone who has known me for more than 15 minutes.

Is he being theological?

Well, you may have a point here. I am always being theological. It’s an occupational hazard. More than that, it’s a pre-occupational hazard. I am, frankly, pre-occupied with all things psychological, philosophical and theological.

But, no, that is not it, either.

Is he being ironic, snarky, self-deprecating or “funny”?

Yes, yes, yes and yes.

But no.

Here’s the truth: I’m being…honest.

I could list out all my badness here, but that would just be self-indulgent. You could add your list to mine, and we could wallow in this muck together. But that would be pointless, too.

Here’s what I may be trying to get at: whatever it is you struggle with, odds are I struggle with it, too. And that’s really my point.

People sometimes think pastors aren’t real people — that we’re better than real people or above all this junk that regular folks struggle with. I’m here to tell you: That ain’t true. Every pastor I know is a bad pastor, and if they try to tell you otherwise, they’re getting ready to take up an offering.

I try not to recycle material here on the blog too much. But I have this struggle that periodically resurfaces. I beat it down for a while, and it bubbles back up. I captured it back in April of 2005 here on the blog:

I have a secret, irrational fear. Psychologists call it Imposter Syndrome — a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist even in the face of information that indicates the opposite to be true. It is experienced internally as chronic self-doubt and feelings of intellectual fraudulence. It is basically feeling that you’re not really a successful, competent and smart person — that you are only posing as such. No matter how much success you experience, you’re never quite able to internalize it. It all must be due to luck or just being in the right place at the right time or your ability to charm and fool people.

I’ve got it, and I’ve got it bad. In fact, I’ve wrestled with it on and off for my entire life. I hear people say great things about me, but inside my head that little voice whispers, “Yeah, but if they really knew what you’re really like they’d say something else.”

Recently, due to the heightened stress of too much travel, too little rest and a foolish decision made more than a decade ago that has reared its ugly head to bite me in the tail, I have been consumed with this fear that at any moment someone will stand up and yell, “Imposter!”

Of course, I’ll know they’re talking about me and that at last the jig is up. I was able to fool them for a while, but in the end my incompetence was discovered.

I know for a fact that several people read this blog. I have a counter that tells me I get nearly 100 people a day looking at the site — unless that’s my mother hitting the refresh button every 30 seconds. I also know that many of you are very successful people in various capacities — writers, preachers, therapists, coaches, scholars, computer techs, business people. Anyone else out there struggle with this?

Since I first wrote these words, much has changed. I live in California now. I’ve published three books. My readership here has multiplied 10-fold (unless my mother refreshes more often than ever). I make more money, live in a bigger house and have accomplished much more of what most folks would consider the trappings of success. But the more things change, the most things stay the same. I am still the same guy trapped in the same struggles.

My name is John Alan Turner, and I am a bad pastor.

I don’t necessarily mean that I am bad at my job. That may be debated. There are things I do quite well. There are other things I do very poorly. And then there are things I do not do at all. But, in the end, I do not really seem to be what people expect or necessarily want in a pastor.

I am a bad pastor, and the only comfort I can find is that this post will be read by other bad pastors. Some of them will have the courage to admit it. Some of them will not. We are all bad pastors to varying degrees. We all think bad things and do bad things and say bad things (usually under our breath or just after we’ve closed the car door and are driving away).

We’re not completely bad. I’m not anyway. There are bright spots, and I can honestly say that there are times when it occurs to me that I’m actually getting better. And then I feel guilty for my hubris. Or someone makes one tiny negative comment, and down I go into a headlong tailspin, crashing into a deep, dark pit I dug for myself. Oh, and woe unto that person who tries to lift me up. Surely, they will find themselves down in the pit with me before long.

I’m reaching a point where I can talk about this stuff, though. Is that progress? Is it self-aware or merely self-absorbed?

My name is John Alan Turner, and I am a bad pastor.

The people have spoken. Barack Obama will be the 44th President of the United States of America. Yesterday was a proud day — regardless of your political leanings — as we saw centuries of senseless prejudice overcome in one fell swoop.

Okay, maybe that’s optimistic overstatement. I doubt we’ll ever see all the pockets of racism eradicated in any of our lifetimes. There will always be work to do on that front.

Still, the idea that come January there will be a black man in the white house is a beautiful thing — especially for those who have known firsthand how ugly people can be toward those who are different. This shows that in America, anything really is possible. As I watched the late night rerun of Obama’s acceptance speech, the camera cut to Jesse Jackson, and it took my breath away. I’m no fan of Jesse Jackson, but knowing everything he has seen and how long he has hoped and dreamed and prayed for just such a moment…. It’s a long way from Selma, Alabama to Washington, DC.

I do like and respect Obama, and, unlike many other Evangelical Christians, I take his faith seriously. I even like some of his policies, and I’m utterly thrilled for the guts he has shown in speeches like his controversial Father’s Day speech at the Apostolic Church of God in Chicago.

As I have said before, my main problem with Obama is abortion. I’m a pretty conservative guy, so there are other problems, but abortion became a deal breaker for me.

Having said that, I have to affirm that to the extent President-elect Obama wants to do good, I intend to support and help him. If he wants to strengthen fathering in America, I’m all for that. How can you not be? He’s right on with this subject. If he wants to reduce the number of abortions in this country while refusing to outlaw this barbaric practice based on faulty science, I’ll support him on the former while challenging him on the latter.

He told millions of us last night that he would listen to the voices of those whose votes he did not earn, that he would listen especially to those who disagree with him. I want to take him up on that offer.

President-elect Barack Obama, do you hear my voice? Will you listen to me? Please do not make good on your promise to sign the Freedom of Choice Act. Please reconsider and re-examine the ramifications of allowing Planned Parenthood to have such a large role in your campaign and, potentially, your administration.

Wherever our next president chooses to do good, to fight systemic evil and corruption, to beat back darkness and instill a sense of hope in those who have been marginalized by our society, I’ll back him as hard as I can while still contending for what I believe to be an even greater good.

There is much to do. We have a lot to fix and heal in this great land of ours. I will not let party politics prevent me from lending a hand. There are hungry people and lonely people. There are marriages on the brink. There are children in danger. There are people living without the security, hope and peace that come ultimately from having a relationship with their Father in Heaven who loves them more than they can ever begin to imagine. I will not give in to sulking or name-calling. I will allow bitterness no foothold. There’s no time for that; there’s too much to do.

More than anything, now is the time to remember that God is still in control. He is not nervously pacing back and forth in Heaven, wringing his hands wondering what to do now. He is still seated. He is still calm and in control. He is still at work as he has always been — sometimes because of good leaders — sometimes in spite of bad ones. My eyes are fixed on him, and my core values remain intact. Life today is pretty similar to life yesterday. The sun came up this morning and will continue to do so until God says, “Stop.”

Prayer still works. The Bible still illuminates. The Spirit still convicts and empowers. God still loves. Jesus still saves.

I voted today. On the official election day, I walked from my office to a local Lutheran Church and made my political will known. There was no line to speak of, the staff was mostly elderly women, and they were happy and polite. The process was very smooth.

There was a young woman with an Obama t-shirt in front of me. Another young woman with a tattoo of a musical treble clef between her breasts was also there. Two friends from River Park were there. A young man who was nervous and unsure of how to proceed. An elderly gentleman dressed in a red, white and blue shirt was there. A few different skin tones, different hair styles, different generations — some voting for the first time; others voting for perhaps the last time.

I could tell you who I voted for. Actually, most of you could probably guess. But, as my friend Stephen Mansfield often says, who I voted for isn’t as important as who I voted with.

I voted today with millions of people from all around this great nation of ours. Black men voted today with tears in their eyes, pulling the lever or checking the box or connecting the line for an African-American presidential nominee. People from Canada or Mexico or India or China voted today for the first time as citizens of the USA. Veterans, wincing in pain, placed votes they took bullets to safeguard. Little old ladies voted, wanting to help shape the future of the country for their grandchildren.

Look, I know it’s been an angry, messy campaign season. I know there is fear and there is rage. But none of that was at my polling place this afternoon. This afternoon, Americans voted their conscience, and then they held doors for each other and shook hands with strangers or talked about how good voting made them feel.

So, it’s generally agreed that someone who supports the KKK is automatically disqualified from being President of the United States. Not that it’s illegal to support the KKK. Not that the Constitution bans that person from running for office. It’s just that I don’t know anyone who would actually vote for such a candidate.

And I mean I don’t know a single person — liberal, conservative, Christian, agnostic, gay, straight, man, woman — I don’t know anyone who would actually pull the lever and vote for a candidate they knew supports the KKK. That’s totally understandable for everyone I’ve talked to. That one issue alone is an automatic disqualification.

But there’s an organization out there, founded upon horrifically racist premises, whose agenda is the termination of human life. That organization is Planned Parenthood, and — for everything else positive I can say and have said about him, Sen. Barack Obama supports Planned Parenthood.

Perhaps Sen. Obama doesn’t know that Planned Parenthood’s founder, Margaret Sanger believed “inferior races” were a form of “human weeds” and a “menace to civilization”. Perhaps he’s unaware that in 1939, Planned Parenthood launched a “Negro Project” — with the assertion that “The mass of Negroes, particularly in the South, still breed carelessly and disastrously, with the result that the increase among Negroes, even more than among Whites, is from that portion of the population least intelligent and fit.” She and other leaders of Planned Parenthood said things far worse than this, but you get the point. If you want to investigate further, you could pick up a copy of George Grant’s book Grand Illusions: The Legacy of Planned Parenthood.

Unlike Ms. Sanger, I do not believe that Sen. Obama is a human weed. Nor is my Puerto Rican born brother-in-law. Nor is my African-American friend Kerry Clark. Nor is my first-generation Mexican-American mother. Nor are any people of color. Nor are the disabled, deformed or the mentally challenged. None of us are weeds, none of us need to be purged from society. All of us are made in the image of God and should be valued dearly by all of us. Killing people is never the answer — whether they are fully-grown or unborn.

Let me add here that I am not a fan of Sen. McCain’s stance on pre-emptive war. I’ve explained before what my position on war is and how I arrived at it. If you want to go back and read my explanation, you can find it here, here, here, here and here.

Still, if I have to pick a single issue — and since we’ve all agreed that there are certain single issues that we all would allow to disqualify an individual candidate I don’t have any embarrassment about saying this — my issue is abortion right now. The best estimates I’ve heard say that since the War in Iraq began, somewhere between 89,000-97,000 civilian deaths have occurred. Now, I believe that one civilian death is too many. So, please don’t think that I’m saying this is okay.

However, in that same time period, approximately 6,500,000 unborn children have been aborted…in America alone.

That number has gone up since you started reading this post.

So, you pick your issue. I’ve picked mine. I cannot vote for Barack Obama.